What a Blast!

Hi all,
Oh my goodness! Have you all been worried about me? I don't know what happened. I think I have been asleep for at least a whole day after that party with Missy Linda and her friends. I had my first beer. Have you ever had a beer that's three quarters as tall as you are? I think that I should have been more careful. Those women are diabolical! They kept saying, "Taste it. Taste it. One beer won't hurt you." Well, I can tell you, "Yes, it can."

As you may have imagined, I don't have to have actual human food to live. I'm not sure how my metabolism works, but I don't seem to need the type of food that you guys do. Maybe being hollow on my bottom half has something to do with it. I'm not sure. Anyway, I have discovered that I can enjoy food, just for the tastes and smells and textures and all the things that you people love about it. I just don't need it to live. No one ever told me about pizza before! All of you human women hate me now, don't you? I will never gain an ounce (unless my tortilla keeping compartment is filled with something, and that's not "me") . Ha, ha, got ya this time! I get all the joy and none of the problems! On the other hand, I'm guessing that not many of you have to worry about being held prisoner with your head end down in a paper bag. Am I right?

Back to the party-----I don't know how those ladies do it! They did finally go to bed for a little while since Missy Linda had class and had to work the next day, and Missy Barb had to work, too. I would have thought that bunch was much too mature for that kind of behavior! Boy! Was I ever wrong! I think I'm going to love these parties----except for the headache and the sleeping for a day or so afterward. I think I even heard them talking about dance lessons or maybe bowling, whatever that is. Look out!

But, hey, I'm ready to experience it all. Bring it on!

Pressing Forward

Good day everyone,
I have to apologize to you all because Missy Linda still does not have my pictures ready. However, I just heard that tonight is the slumber party. Yea! Maybe I will be able to get some shots that show the true happenings at these so-called slumber parties. Stay tuned.

Missy Linda has already lost enough sleep this week. She is a total mess. Right now her hair is sticking up in at least 950 different directions, and it is not a spiky do on purpose. Missy Barb also has a big work project that she has been working on for several days. She hopes she gets finished today, too, so they can party without guilt----and then sleep a few days after that. While Missy Linda is in her coma, I can get some of my own work done, if you know what I mean! I did not realize that you humans had to do work and all of that hum-drum stuff. Is that why you are so cranky?

Well, I hope to have a much more exciting post after this party. There's always hope!

Asleep on the Job

Hey,
I am certainly annoyed with Missy Linda today. She has not bothered to get the pictures of my party out of the camera. I personally do not know what could possibly be more important. She just doesn't seem to get it.

I will say that she really has those things under her eyes today like you humans get when you stay up too late or have a hangover or have extra bad allergies. If any of you know Mr. Max Factor or Ms. Mary Kay Ash, would you please have them to get in touch with Missy Linda? She really needs their help today. Don't tell her that I told you, ok?

That Missy Linda thinks that just because she has work to do, then my things are to be put on the back burner! She always has to go upstairs to do whatever it is she does up there, or she says she has to write a paper for school or such nonsense. Those things don't seem very important to me when I want to show you all my party pics and give you all the scoop. I guess I'll try again later because she looks as if she is going to fall asleep at any second. She was upstairs most of the night so she owes me some attention. She says she has a no-sleep headache. Big deal! I have a no pictures headache! I'll get back with you as soon as I can get a fire lit under Missy Linda, ok?

What A Party!

A very sleepy good morning,
This picture is of me in my dress for my Oscar party. It is not a great picture, I have some more that I will print later. Just ignore the shadow behind me. That is just bad photography on Missy Linda's part. She has mentioned that I must have been manufactured in the '70's or maybe the early '80's. She draws this conclusion by my eye shadow. I think I look fabulous! This picture doesn't do my dress justice either, and I had jewels in my hair. We were in a big hurry right before the guests arrived.

Do you think this tortilla keeper bottom half makes my butt look big?

I did not even get in trouble for the party from Missy Linda. She must have felt really guilty for not taking me to the basketball game. Now I see how guilt works. This could come in very useful for me, don't you think?

Well, I have really got to get to bed now. I am exhausted. We can discuss the awards and celebrities when I have had a chance to sleep. Good night or good morning------whatever time it is!

Missy Barb Is So Nice!

Hi,
I could not believe it yesterday when Missy Linda just walked out of the house and left me here! I did not get to go to the basketball game. I am so mad! That woman is going to be so crazy when she receives her credit card bill! I took care of everything! Wait until you see my new dress!

Missy Barb could not believe that Missy Linda did not bring me yesterday, either. She had a big surprise all ready for me. She is so nice! She made me a clear carrying case to ride in when I travel or just enjoy being able to see out from at any time. It has a really pretty blue ribbon handle that matches my permanent beautiful blue ruffled dress. It is so cool! A great big thank you Missy Barb! Maybe I could come to live with you if Missy Linda doesn't start appreciating me more.

Well, everyone, if you hear faint screaming today, no matter how far you live from where we are, it will be Missy Linda when they start delivering my goodies for the party! I hope that I am still around to show you the pictures tomorrow, don't you? It is going to be fabulous!

Later.

Going to the Game

An early good morning to all,
Missy Linda is up early this morning because she needs to get some work done before she leaves to go someplace. I think she said she is going to a women's basketball game. I am not sure what that is, but I hope I get to go, too. I heard Missy Barb and Missy Linda talking on the phone. They are going to something called a Bedlam game. From what I understand, when the University of Oklahoma plays Oklahoma State University, it is called Bedlam. It's something about some big long-standing rivalry. I don't really understand it at all. I guess they enjoy it. Maybe I will like it, too, if I get to go with them. I do know for sure that Missy Carol, Missy Barb and Missy Linda are OU fans. There's no doubt about that! I told you all earlier that Missy Linda was all upset about missing that OU memorabilia that was the mister's. She is always going to whine about that, I guess.

I am worried that Missy Linda is getting suspicious about my party tomorrow. Oh, boy, I hope I can pull this off! I want to get to have my party before I get into trouble. Then it will seem worth it. I hope that she is beginning to see me as a real person, even though I am not human. If she feels I am someone and not just an inanimate object, I have a better chance of weathering this storm. Can you imagine all the things that she could do to me if she doesn't think of me as a living being? Just because I am inanimate doesn't mean I am not alive----wait----or does it? I'll have to look that up someplace. However, when you think about it, I couldn't have planned the party if I weren't a living being, and I also must have a brain, even though I have a tiny head! Well, I feel better now. Surely she wouldn't throw me in a dumpster or anything like that. Maybe I had better cancel some of those orders I made, just in case.

Well, I will tell you all about the ballgame, if I get to go. I hope that light blue polyester lace ruffles are the appropriate thing to wear!

What a Great Day!

A frosty good morning to you all,
Here in Oklahoma, it is very cold this morning with a freezing drizzle falling at times. At least, that's what I heard the weatherman on the TV say. Since I have mentioned before how I hate being cold, I suppose you are wondering why I am so happy today, right?

Well, Missy Linda had been considering taking me to class with her today, but she has decided against it because it is too cold to have to carry me across the parking lot, etc. That is such a big relief to me on a day like this! If you will remember, the last time I went out with her in semi-bad weather, I was treated to my first car accident experience. I am just glad to stay home today and not have to worry about riding with her.

I also have the joy of knowing that she will be freezing her buns off just by being outside at all today. And while that is not to the extreme I would like, it gives her a small taste of my experience of being left in the car for three days in the cold. There's also the plus that she will have to go outside soon and scrape the ice off her car windows, and maybe she will have to deal with the door's being frozen shut. I am just giddy!

To top it all off, after she leaves, I can start working on my party plans again. She is going to have a stroke when she receives her credit card bill. I am making it appear to be identity theft though, so that she won't know it was me charging things. I shudder to think what would happen to me if she found out about all this. Mum's the word, ok?

Are You Planning A Party?

A fabulous good morning to all,
Have you all started the preparations for your Academy Awards Party yet? Oh, I am so excited about this, I can't tell you! As soon as Missy Linda leaves the house today, I am going online to order some sumptuous treats to serve my guests. Then I will email all my friends and invite them to my extravaganza. Won't Missy Linda be surprised on Sunday?

I think that I will dress up like some movie star. I know your first thought is Vivian Leigh as Scarlet O'Hara because of my permanent ruffles on the Styrofoam tortilla keeper half of my body. Did it ever occur to you that I could put something over that? Well, I am trying to figure out a solution. I did wear that Chinese outfit for Chinese New Year, remember? Don't you worry about me; I am an inventive Styrofoam based tortilla keeper person. I keep my eyes open around Missy Linda, and she's the woman who can stick the world together with home made Play-Doh. (Although this morning I saw her using twist ties to mend the gate near the bottom of the stairs.) She is multi-talented, isn't she?

She is so excited that Jon Stewart is the host this year! She loves Ellen, too, but her secret heart's desire is to be on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. She would like to be a correspondent, but she would settle for just a little story. Like I always say, "I'm a little worried about Missy Linda."

Well, I had better run for now. I have to finish planning my party for Sunday. Also, you do realize that tonight is the reunion show for Project Runway, don't you? Oh, my, how I love that show! I will talk with you about that soon. Maybe I will use some of Chris's ideas for my party dress! Now that would be a red carpet sensation! Tune in, I'll keep you up to date.

Oversleeping Can Ruin Your Day!

Buenos dias all,
If any of you happen to see Missy Linda today, it would probably be safest to just nod "Hello", and walk on by quickly. Evidently, she overslept this morning by a couple of hours. She knew she had a pile of work to get finished today before time for class so she set her alarm really early. She did wake up at that time, only it must have been only long enough to turn off the alarm and fall back to sleep. Missy Linda is furious with herself as she doesn't usually do this. She can usually make herself wake up when she needs to do it.

At one time Missy Linda could count on her beloved Sheltie, Button, to make sure that she got up on time. When the alarm would ring, Button would stand by Missy Linda's head and poke her with her paw until Missy Linda would open her eyes. Then Button would look at the alarm and look at Missy Linda and back and forth until Missy Linda would arise. If she would try to close her eyes again, Button would start poking her again. One day when it annoyed Missy Linda because she did not really have to get up at that time, she scolded Button and told her not to do that any more. Button has never done it again. No matter how many times Missy Linda says she is sorry, Button will not awaken her. Shelties take criticism very seriously. I can totally understand that, can't you?

Well, I had better go someplace to lie low until Missy Linda gets her work finished. If she has to be absent from class today because she doesn't get finished in time, she will be in a major snit. She hates to miss class, but she says she has to work to be able to afford to go to school. Is that what you all call a "Catch 22"? I told you all how she thinks college is just the "be all and end all." Maybe I will have time to write more later today when Missy Linda is gone away from the house.

When Missy Linda told Tio Kane that oversleeping can ruin your day, he said, "Yes, but there is less day to ruin." That makes sense. TTYL

Some Holiday!

Happy Presidents' Day!
I truly hope that you all have a happy day today because here it is, really early in the morning, and I already know that my day is going to be hum-drum. Missy Linda has already told me that she has to work today. That means that I won't be having a party or going someplace special or having some big fancy meal. I thought you humans really knew how to throw a birthday party! Isn't Presidents' Day supposed to celebrate the birthdays of your presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln? Then where's the partying? I just don't understand you guys sometimes.

Another thing that I don't understand about Missy Linda is this work thing. (I do understand that she is not always on the normal scale of you humans.) I thought you all went someplace, usually not in your jammies, and stayed there all day for work. I have heard that you go to lunch with your friends or maybe someone with whom you work, have a good time, and then go back to work for the rest of the day. Not Missy Linda. She trudges upstairs, past the gate near the foot of the stairs, and goes into a huge room up there for hours at a time. (The gate is to keep out the cats who live here and the children who visit here.) Sometimes she goes up there really early in the morning, and sometimes she goes up there at night, and sometimes she goes up there in the middle of the day---it is never the same. She is seldom dressed like the people on television who go to work. She is usually wearing her jammies or something with a big stain or something on the verge of having a huge hole in an unseemly place. I won't even get into whether or not she combs her hair!

There are some kind of weird noises that come from up there, too. Sometimes I hear her yelling things that I can't quite understand, which is probably just as well. Usually there are noises like motors whirring, but sometimes motor noises that are much louder and have a sort of pounding sound at the same time. I am dying to find out what she is doing! As soon as I know, I will definitely pass along the information.

Anyway, I hope that you all have a splendid Presidents' Day. Look at it this way, when the mail doesn't come, there are no bills that day. Missy Linda counts that as a good day.

Would Toulouse-Lautrec Have Loved Me?

And how is everyone today?
This is a picture of me in front of the three story high glass sculpture at the entrance of the Oklahoma City Museum of Art. Missy Barb, Tio Kane and Missy Linda took me there last Sunday. There is a whole exhibit of glass sculpture by Dale Chihuly that mostly look like imaginative sea life. Missy Linda loves glass works, but she settles for the kind that she can afford, you know, from garage sales, thrift stores, hobby stores and local art fairs. She is always saying how she could do her living room ceiling like they have done that ceiling in the hallway in the Chihuly exhibit. Please, if you know her, tell her that it is not possible! She knows some interior design student who thinks he could help her do it. I beg you out there, please help me discourage this venture. I will end up living in a house with a living room with no ceiling whatsoever or maybe not even a roof. I've seen how some of Missy Linda's projects turn out!

Ok, I'm feeling calmer now. I personally enjoyed the exhibit of the posters and paintings of Paris 1900. I heard people talking about Henri Toulouse-Lautrec and how small in stature he was. I also heard that he was a pretty fun-loving rascal who enjoyed the drink. Sounds fun to me! They say he was always at those Paris night clubs, like the Moulin Rouge, chasing beautiful women. I wonder if I had lived back then, if he would have loved a tiny, lonely, beautiful, Styrofoam-based, tortilla keeper person. It sounds as if he was not a lot bigger than I. I would have had a life extraordinaire! And I could have forgiven him his transgressions of the flesh if he really loved me. Do you think I have been watching too many Lifetime movies? I don't have much else to do. I will just keep Mr. Toulouse-Lautrec in my dreams.

I believe that I heard Missy Barb say that she enjoyed the landscapes the most, but maybe not the ones with the giant cows. There were a few of those. A good time was had by all, I would say.

I even enjoyed talking with the lovely young woman who was at the desk at the entrance. She told me all about how her rabbit has a blog. Unfortunately, I did not get the address. Can you imagine a rabbit with a blog? Who in the world would want to read that!

Unfortunately, I must say adieu for now. I'll talk to you again soon. I believe I will go and have a dream about living in Paris.

The Morning After

A chilly good morning to you all,
It is pretty cold here in central Oklahoma this morning! I know that because Missy Linda left me sitting close to the front door, and she has been running in and out taking out some trash and recycling. She prides herself on having more recycling volume than any of the neighbors, and she seldom has to use two trash cans because she recycles so much. She is so self-righteous! Maybe she has a lot of recycling because she gets more newspapers and magazines and catalogs than any person should be allowed to get. And besides that, she practically lives on those cola drinks that come in those big plastic bottles. Don't you humans have rules about things like that? If not, maybe you should make some!

At least Missy Linda is in a good mood today. Last evening she received a phone call from those other three little girls that she is always making such a big deal about. She is so shallow! "They are so sweet," she is always saying. "They are so cute and smart and adorable and mannerly and ......" she pronounces. I never hear her say things like that about me! A lot of the time she acts as if I don't even exist. What does a Styrofoam based tortilla keeper person have to do to get some attention around here? Sure, she takes me when she goes places-----sometimes, but she never takes me on any special outings or anything, just for me.

She is all happy because she has a play date with that little curly-haired girl this afternoon. She is getting out paints and stuff like that, and she is going to the store to get some snacks and things. Isn't Missy Linda a little "mature" for a play date?

Well, we shall see how it goes. I must figure out a way to get some of that attention.
I'll let you all know if I come up with a solution to my dilemma.

Happy Valium Time Day!

Greetings to all you lovers on this special day!

Greetings to all you other people (including me) who will spend the day attempting to keep down breakfast and lunch while the "lovers" prance around with their "tokens of love".

Does anyone else hate this holiday as much as Missy Linda and Tio Kane? I have been hearing them complain about it for at least a week now. Tio Kane was reading something that told about the lady who started this holiday. She died a millionaire, but she never married. Missy Linda said she thought it worked out great for the lady. I think Missy Linda and Tio Kane might be a tad bitter, what do you think?

When I ask them what this holiday is all about, they just give me very sarcastic or acidic answers that do not give me any real information at all. I personally feel that Missy Linda and Tio Kane have not had a date recently, or probably have not had a date since a longer ago time than "recently."
She does say to her friends that she would rather be her own company than to just go out with someone she does not really like. After the mister left, I heard Missy say, " It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho the rest of your life." I just don't know if she meant the mister or herself!

I will have to tell you all that Missy Linda was extremely happy yesterday when a couple of little girls with big blue eyes, one with curly golden hair and one with just a little bit of hair, brought her a hand made valentine and a big heart-shaped brownie that was also hand made. She said that's the kind of valentines she loves to receive-----and the kind of pure unadulterated love she wants!

Hope you all get the kind of love your heart desires today!

P.S. That name of the holiday in the title is courtesy of Tio Kane.

Chinese New Year

So, what did you all do for Chinese New Year? I had a huge party! Here I am having some delicious Chinese treats with my chop sticks. Isn't it handy how my huge tortilla keeper bottom half makes such a fabulous table! I don't know how you humans do without that. As you can see, I am joined by some of my Chinese friends. They know how to party hearty.

It was a celebration that you wouldn't believe-----the dancing, the food, the guests, the dragon dancers. You have to admit those are the ingredients for a stupendous celebration! I will regale you with more tales of my tremendous get-together---as soon as I remember them. (The tea was a little strong.)

Until we talk again.....

News Bulletin!

Hello world,

Missy Linda just told me that because of chicken pox contagion that has reared its ugly head in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the previously scheduled Parade of Cakes must be postponed until a later date. I guess that is the joy of a holiday that is not celebrated on a specific date every time. Missy Linda is all disappointed, but she'll get over it since the holiday is only postponed, not canceled.

So far only one of the three girls in that family has become ill, but she will be contagious for several more days. It may be only a matter of time for the others, even though they have all had the first round of the inoculations. We shall see. Stay tuned for further updates.

Hasta luego.

In The Bag AGAIN!

Hello,
Well, did you guys all see the Grammys the other night? I really wanted to see them, but I was not able to get a look from where I was at the time...HEAD DOWN IN A BAG! AGAIN! I thought those days were over. Missy Linda was tired from the trip to the museum, and she forgot about me, as usual. Somehow I had gotten the impression that those days of living upside down in a bag were over. But I guess not. I hope that this was just a terrible oversight on Missy Linda's part or I might have to ask you all to report her to whatever agency oversees the welfare of Styrofoam based tortilla keeping people. Surely there is such an agency, right? After all, this is the United States of America.

I have been told by Missy Linda that I will be allowed to go to class with her one day soon. I am really looking forward to that. I don't really know what goes on at college, but she seems to have a wonderful time there. She is a student at the University of Central Oklahoma, which is in the same town in which we live. She is like all those older people that one hears about. Since they did not go to college at the time when they were the right age, they really appreciate the education. Well, I can tell you one thing for sure----Missy Linda definitely falls into the "older" category. I'm not sure of her age, but I know she is over thirty without question.

Besides leaving me in the bag, Missy Linda is all in a tizzy the last few days. She says she has some work that she has to get finished, and she has classes to attend, and she needs to get the house cleaned and a bunch of cooking done for Parade of Cakes this weekend. You can imagine that something called Parade of Cakes would have cooking involved, of course. If you ask me, she had better get herself in gear and tackle the cleaning. Just between you and me, she is not the best housekeeper in the world------probably not even on the block! She is always in the middle of a bunch of "projects" that seem to require being left out on various flat surfaces throughout the house. I don't know what all they are, but if I ever find out, you all will be the first to know.

There's also the problem of those dogs and cats of hers. Some days it seems that all Missy Linda does is let the dogs in and out of the house. Every time they come in, they either have muddy paws or snippets of dead grass all over themselves that get everywhere. They run out into the yard and immediately start rolling around on their backs getting covered with the dead grass. What is that all about anyway? The cats don't go out much because they want to stay in unless the temperature is between seventy and eighty degrees, with hardly any wind. That pretty much happens twice a year here in Oklahoma. I cannot even describe the hair and fur that is everywhere around here. (I understand that there is a difference between hair and fur.) I believe that for all four of them, shedding is their main hobby. If you ask me, it needs to be vacuumed up on an hourly basis!


Well, I must go and breathe in some big gulps of fresh air while I am out of the bag. I'll be in touch.

Adios for now.

Juana's Busy Week

Greetings from an exhausted tortilla keeper person,

I had such a busy week last week, you wouldn't believe! Even though I did not get to celebrate Fat Tuesday, I did celebrate Chinese New Year, and we went to the Oklahoma City Museum of Art on Sunday. I have been so busy, I haven't had time to get the pictures out of the camera. As soon as I can, I'll tell you all about my adventures. I will have to hurry on that because this coming weekend is one of the biggest holidays that Missy Linda's family celebrates.

Three or four times a year, Missy Linda's family celebrates "Parade of Cakes". I know that you have probably never heard of it, but around here it is a huge deal. All of Missy Linda's children and their children come, and the celebration does not stop until they all go home. I will tell you all about it next week. The best part is that there are a bunch of little girls who think that I am very beautiful, and they want to play with me. I can hardly wait, can you?

Meet Mushu

Hi all,
I want everyone to meet Mushu. Don't worry about me. I am actually perfectly safe sitting here next to him. He has no taste whatsoever for Styrofoam, plastic and polyester, even though it appears that he has a taste for almost everything in the universe. I have heard visitors say that he is the biggest cat that they have ever seen. I wouldn't know, since I don't get out much. He is definitely about twice as big as Andrew, the old man. One thing that is funny about his being so big is that he seems to think that he is invisible. He goes outside and sits directly under the bird feeders. That white fur on his chest shines in the sunlight like a lighthouse beacon for the birds, but Mushu does not seem to understand why they stop coming to feed when he is there. After a while, with very wounded feelings, he slinks to the house to be let inside. The birds don't realize that Mushu is so heavy that the likelihood of his being able to leap up to catch one of them, is extremely remote.

Mushu was already living with Missy Linda when I arrived. I have heard his heart-warming story enough times to make me puke. It seems that he was found in a bush at a church some place in the OKC area. He was sopping wet because the sprinklers had been activated, and he was so young that he still had his umbilical cord on his tummy. Whoever found him, took him to some people who routinely cared for orphaned baby animals. When he was about six weeks old, Missy Linda's friend called her to see if he could live here. This isn't the first time that this friend had called Missy Linda for adoption purposes, so she knew that Mushu's chance of getting a home here was good. So, of course, he did come here to live. He was so tiny at first because he had a little trouble eating from his bottle and his bowl. He had to have a bath every time he ate from his bowl because he would lie in the bowl and try to suck the food up as if it were in a bottle. I heard it was very sad. (PUKE) However, it seems that he has snapped right out of it, don't you think?

Sometime soon, I'll introduce you to the dogs. I'll bet you will be on tenterhooks until then, right?

Juana Goes to Therapy

A huge hello to all my peeps,

Remember the other day I said that Missy Linda and I were going to therapy? Well, we did! Missy Linda was furious with me because she said that I was trying to look like the nice one in the argument. I don't know what she's talking about. In the picture, that really is me, Juana Tortilla, in the therapist's office. You can tell because no one still has a couch like that at home. Missy Linda was not allowed to take a picture of the therapist in an actual session. I can't tell you what the therapist said to me, but, let's just assume that it did not go entirely my way. You can be sure that it will be a while before I go back there! Perhaps I should go to my own counselor rather than using Missy Linda's. I think it was a set-up, don't you?

Other Family Members

Hi all,
Today I thought that I would introduce you to some of the other members of Missy Linda's family. This is Andrew. He is the old man of the pet contingency of the family. He is seventeen years old in people years----does anyone know how old that is in cat years? I do not do math. As you may be able to tell, he gets a lot of special treatment----I should be so lucky! Here he is enjoying his favorite meal. He does not get this every day, but he gets it way too often, if you ask me. Anyway, his favorite meal is boneless, skinless chicken tenders sauteed in a little extra virgin olive oil with a little garlic and not too much salt plus some sweet basil sometimes. Can you imagine! Missy Linda actually cooks this for him! The rest of the time, he gets canned food. He even gets to sleep on her bed-----when she is in it! I do not understand why just being old gets him such special treatment. Why, maybe I'm old in Styrofoam based tortilla keeper people years! Did she ever think of that? I don't think it has even crossed her mind.
All Missy Linda does for me is strap me down in a car seat in the back seat of the car while she goes wherever it is she was going to go anyway. (The car seat is actually for a small child.) You cannot imagine how embarrassing this is! I am an adult tortilla keeper person! And to top it off, she must think that she is Ms. Freddy Mercury or the white Erykah Badu the way she sings in the car to her CDs. I think I might have a stroke if I hear her singing "You Better Call Up Tyrone" again.
She doesn't even try to hide what she is doing. She just acts as if she is on stage at some big concert. I am so humiliated by the time we get wherever we are going! I hope to goodness no one can actually hear her----she cannot carry a tune in a bucket!

Anyway, back to Andrew. When he goes some place in the car, he has a special carrier with a nice clean bed in it, and it has Missy Linda's address and phone number on it, just in case. I could blow right out a window, and no one would know who I am or where I belong. I have heard that when he was younger, Andrew was quite the thug! He would go up and down the block and fight with all the neighborhood cats. Of course, he says he always won the fights, but he has some pieces missing from one ear and a permanent limp from an infection he got from fighting. It's funny though, when other cats visit our house, like Gus, or Phil and Clark, or Brenda, or Kitty*, he always welcomes them and treats them nicely while they are guests here. But one of the worst things is that Andrew is not Missy Linda's only pet. He is not even her only cat! I'll tell you about Mushu next time after I have regained my composure, OK? I'll talk to you soon.

*Cats of other family members or friends who visit sometimes or who stay with us while their families are away.

Juana in a Snit

I cannot believe what Missy Linda did! Can you believe that she completely forgot that yesterday was Fat Tuesday? She is so wrapped up in what is important to her that she can't think of others. I had such a day planned for us! I had a float all designed in my tiny mind. I had a beautiful costume pictured with a fabulous head piece that weighed more than me. I expected to need rocks in my Styrofoam base to avoid tipping over. (I am tired of being head down in any circumstance.) Do you know what she was thinking? She was babbling about that election and about that Thursday is Chinese New Year! Now, I ask you------which do you think is more important? (The correct answer is Fat Tuesday, of course!) Some day Missy Linda is going to be sorry that she treated me this way.

I will say one thing. It is so good that we see Missy Linda's therapist today. I have some things to tell her! I am sure she will put that selfish woman in her place! I will let you know what happens.

Be Sure to Vote

Even though I believe I was manufactured in the USA, I am not allowed to vote because I do not have a birth certificate. There is not even a tag on my Styrofoam tortilla keeping base or on my beautiful half of a body! So I do not even have an idea of where to begin looking for my birthplace. I have never known of any family except the gringo families with whom I have lived. They have mostly been all right, except for the head down in a shopping bag times.

I have been hearing how important it is to vote if you are lucky enough to live in the US. I would certainly do it if I were allowed. I would find a way to get there, even though I have no feet. So if you are fortunate enough to live in one of the states that is having a primary be sure you go out to vote.

I would like to suggest that you vote for the candidate who has a health care plan that includes even Styrofoam-based, injured, tortilla keeping people like me. I would be ever so grateful.

Party Time

Ay, chihuahua! Does this look like a happenin' party, or what!

OK, I'm guessing most of you are going with "what". That is Missy Carol in the picture with me. She is Missy Linda's cousin and very good friend. Missy Carol is the nice lady who brought me with her from Southern California to Edmond. I had been living with Missy Marilyn who is a cousin to both Missy Carol and Missy Linda. Missy Marilyn sent me to live with Missy Linda because she wanted me to have the "Oklahoma experience".

About once a month Missy Linda and some of her best friends have a slumber party. (She will not be divulging the names of all the friends due to privacy issues. You know how the tabloids are these days!) That is one crazy shindig, though, with the use of very little alcohol. It looks as if they are going to have a very healthful evening, doesn't it? Not a chance! They might start with a few veggies, but that is just the warm-up for the pizza, hot wings, and some treats that shall remain nameless. Who knows what they'll devour next? Needless to say, there are no weigh-ins involved in these parties.

One thing that distinguishes these slumber parties from those of younger girls is that these gals have not, so far, left the premises of the party for any shenanigans. Missy Linda is always badgering the others to go out to fork someone's yard or TP someone's trees, but so far she has not been able to convince them to go along. It is only a matter of time though, I think, so you had better beware out there!

Mostly they just laugh themselves senseless for five or six hours, gorge themselves with killer foods, sometimes watch movies, and plot fantasy revenge on people who have wronged them. Sounds like a hoot, doesn't it? They did notice, after the first party, that even though they had barely slept, they felt refreshed, renewed, and raring to go. That's when they knew, without a fraction of a doubt, that this had to be a regular to-do. Maybe later there will be some riveting gossip coming your way after one of these soirees. Wouldn't that be delicious?

Juana Survives Terrible Accident

Hi everyone,
Remember earlier that I said that I worried about Missy Linda and about me,too? That crazy person nearly killed me the other day! On Thursday it was a little icy, and it was snowing here. Well, we were on our way to class, and we were just driving along, minding our own business when----you guessed it: we started spinning in circles, and then we just flew up into the air and went THUD! into a big ol' ditch! At least I will give Missy Linda credit for making me ride strapped into the car seat in the back. I will admit that I usually throw a hissy fit when she straps me in back there. Now, I see the point. We just sat there a minute while she started thinking about what to do. By then, I felt it might be a good time to start worrying because this is a woman who thinks half the objects in the universe can be held together with homemade Play Doh. I mean, really. Anyway, she decided that if we could get going at all, we could drive horizontally along the edge of the ditch until we reached a place where the ditch was not deep. Well, low and behold, it worked. Thank goodness the ground was not too muddy, or we would still be there today---at least I know I would. Experience has taught me that she wouldn't hesitate to leave me in the freezing car. It is great that the damage to the front and back bumpers won't keep the car from running all right. At least, Missy Linda knows how much it will cost to get the car fixed if the homemade Play Doh won't hold. One of her sons Tio Kane, hit a car just like hers last week, and the bumper had to be replaced. What great luck! Well, I'll talk to you all later. I want to be sure to tell you about a party that I go to once a month. Hasta luego

Greetings

Greetings, world!

My name is Juana Tortilla, and I am a beautiful, lonely tortilla keeper. I am retired now due to a serious injury. I do not remember how it occurred, but I was left with a large hole in my Styrofoam base, which, of course, makes it completely impossible to fulfill my tortilla heat-and-freshness keeping duties. Perhaps when we are better acquainted, I will feel more comfortable showing you my wounds, but only my closest friends are allowed such intimacies. We shall see.

I am obviously of Hispanic descent; however, I was evidently made in the USA. I do not speak Spanish fluently. I remember that I previously lived in the Los Angeles area with three or four different families. I was then personally transported by Missy Carol to Edmond, OK, where I now live with Missy Linda. Perhaps I will regale you with tales about that at another time. I don't need to tell you, I'll bet, that I was apprehensive about moving to such a small town in such an "inland" state. I suppose that it doesn't matter as much where I live geographically as whether or not Missy Linda takes me out with her since I don't have any way to get around alone. After all, I don't even have feet! She doesn't seem to have a very exciting life, but, then, what do I know about what's exciting? I've spent most of my life head down in a shopping bag or behind closed cabinet doors! I'll find out soon what an exhilarating life is all about because she has promised to take me with her whenever she can. She does go to college though, and I'm dying to find out what that is all about, but she works at home so that means that she won't be taking me to her office or any place fun like that. Missy Linda says that she likes being able to work at any hour of the day or night, but that seems silly to me. Of course, what would I know about work except being beautiful and keeping tortillas fresh and warm?

At least Missy Linda gets out more than she did previously. She has been a little sad for awhile, but she is feeling better now. The mister who used to live here seems to be gone now. I heard the people saying that the divorce is final now. And things are much quieter around here these days. Missy Linda does complain sometimes that she is more lonely for the things that he took when he left than she is for him. Evidently he made sure that the very day he departed, he took some special gifts she had purchased for him. I believe they were autographed OU footballs signed by some famous people. There was also a bench made of the seats from the football stadium at OU--whatever that is! She says that she went to a great deal of trouble to acquire those footballs--something about meeting someone somewhere in a parking lot with cash. Sometimes I wonder just a little about Missy Linda.

Sometimes I worry a little or a lot about my own well-being, too. After all, I am completely at the mercy of Missy Linda. Why, just last week she left me in the freezing car for three days and nights! As you can see, I am not usually dressed warmly. She seems to think that her life is more important than mine. Someday she will discover the real order of the universe!

Well, I must go for now. I will be back soon to tell you all about my adventurous new life!