Gotta Get Her a Life

Hello humans and most others,

I have decided that I am going to have to take charge and instigate some participation in some kinds of activities that would help constitute a life for Missy Linda. I will have to figure out a way to get on the computer when she is not hanging around---like I did when I shopped on the internet. I can see that there is no way she is going to motivate herself to get up and get out and get a life!

If I were to get her some dates online, I would have to figure out how to convince her to go out with someone she doesn't know. I guess I would also have to be able to explain how they knew that she wanted to meet them. I suppose that I would need to convince her to get dressed and put on her face, etc. to be ready. (She is getting so lazy about getting dressed and decent!) If she doesn't put on her face and some presentable clothes, she would certainly scare away any potential guys. That's one of the ways she gets rid of door-to-door salespeople! I guess I have some details to work out, huh?

Moping

Greetings humans and most others,

Oh, my goodness! I can't take it much longer! Missy Linda's continual moping is going to send me over that proverbial edge! (Ok, Pseudo Uncle, is continual correct or should it be continuous?) Whichever it is, you all get the message, I am sure. She is just one big ol' droopy, draggy mess these days. If she doesn't get a job or a date or win a lottery or meet Jon Stewart soon, I am afraid we will all be on "Breaking News!"

You would think that she would enjoy a little break since school is out, but, no, that would be too normal. She can't do things like everyone else does, I suppose. She kind of lives her life backwards, if you think about it. Here she is in her late ______'s going to college. She is looking for the kind of job that a teenager would want. Something tells me we are all going to pay a heavy price when her birthday rolls around in a few days. Please, check the local newscasts so that you can come to rescue me in case she tries to take us out! OK?

Who is at the Window?

Hello humans and most others,

We have a new game around here. It is called, "Who is looking in the window now?" During the day, if the bird feeder is empty, a bird, usually a cardinal, will come sit on the window ledge and look into the family room as if to say, "The feeder is empty! We are starving! Come fill the feeder!" You know that goofy way that birds look around since their eyes are on the sides of their heads.

Well, the other night, as Missy Linda and Tio Kane were sitting in the family room, one of the raccoons just appeared in the window. He looked at them. They looked at him. Then he left. Maybe he wanted Missy Linda to open the container of bird seed on the patio or something, but he was not acting afraid or anything.

The next night, according to Tio Kane, the raccoon returned. In addition, there was a small possum who sat on the window ledge eating something. He must have brought his own lunch, Missy Linda said, because she didn't put out any food on the ledge.

Now, it seems, that Tio Kane and the raccoons are developing a relationship. He says that if they hear him unlock the door, they run away. However, if he opens the door and catches them on the patio, he can even stand there and talk to them, and they just stand there and look at him. Finally, they will just start kind of tip-toeing away while looking him right in the eye. He is concerned about one of them who seems to have an injured hand---er, paw. Tio Kane says that one of the raccoons appears to want to come into the house when he opens the door as it tries to look around him and see what is in here. That's all we need around here! Raccoons in the house! We have enough things to deal with with two people, one cat and a retired Tortilla Keeper Person!

May is for Birthdays

Greetings humans and most others,

In Missy Linda's family, there are more people with birthdays in May than in any other month. Today is actually Missy Leslie's birthday. She is Missy Linda's niece who lives in Dallas, not to be confused with Missy Lesley who is Missy Linda's daughter-in-law whose birthday was May 1. Also having birthdays in May are Mr. Brett, Missy Linda's son-in-law and Mr. Dari, Missy Lesley's father. Their birthdays are on the same day, May 10. Toward the end of the month, there is Missy Ryley who will be four, and Missy Linda who will be really, really old. (Really.)

This year the family is having trouble getting together for Parades of Cakes, so we aren't having as much fun as we usually do. Missy Linda says she will work harder to get things organized and force people to come for the parties in the future. I can tell you that in previous years in May, we had cakes out the wazoo around here! I loved it!

Picking Flowers

Hello humans and most others,

I had a little fun today already. This morning Ryley and Emma came over to play with us for awhile. We spent a long time outside picking flowers, mostly some yellow ones. I heard someone call them dandelions. Missy Linda told the girls to pick as many as they could find. We floated them in a pretty glass bowl with some honeysuckle and with some rocks for decoration. It kept us all busy for quite a while.

That will probably be the extent of any fun that I might have for today. I don't get out much these days, you know. I think maybe I should join some groups on the internet to see what is going on out in the big old world. I have heard that I might even be able to find a honey on line. Now, that is something I think I should look into doing, don't you?

Big Night Out

Hello humans and most others,

How are you all doing this lovely spring morning? We're waiting for the pleasantly warm weather after the monsoon season to kick in with growth, pollen and misery. But, hey, who is Debbie Downer around here?

The humans here were supposed to have a big Sunday this week, and that is what happened for everyone. Some had a good big Sunday, and one had a bad big Sunday. The Harkey family came over from Fayetteville on Sunday to attend The Lion King with Missy Linda and Tio Kane. That is what happened for everyone except Tio Kane. Sadly, Tio Kane was not feeling well that day, but he hoped that he would be able to slough off the ickiness to attend the performance. He was not only not able to overcome feeling sick, he was enduring a heightened level of the illness to such a degree that he was unable to go to the show. He had been wanting to see the show since it first hit Broadway about ten years ago. The family enjoyed the performance very much except that they were sad that Tio Kane could not go.

And do you suppose that they offered me Tio Kane's ticket? The answer to that is a resounding NO!

Wetness

Hello humans and most others,

Finally, it's my turn at the computer. Missy Linda was hogging it all day yesterday while she was working on some story she thinks that she needs to send somewhere. She's always into some nonsense like that.

I see that we have some mold eradication ads along the side here now. I don't know, but I'm beginning to wonder if the mold and wet and smelly things are going to be the way things are. Maybe we are going to become a rain forest here. Tio Kane said that when his doctor, originally from India, mentioned that we are in the monsoon season, he feels that maybe we should listen to her. She does know what monsoons are in personal experience, after all.

At least, if we are having a monsoon season, that means that we will have other seasons. Missy Linda says to come and talk to her in July when it hasn't rained all month, and it's a hundred degrees. It's hard to know which is worse. Probably, it depends on what is happening at that time, right?

On the wildlife front: So far today we have had only a possum and some of the young squirrels. Although, there was a beautiful new bird that was yellow, red, and blue with brown wings. Missy Linda was all excited because she had never seen one of those, whatever it is, before.
Besides the raccoons dragging the container of bird seed all over the yard, Missy Linda caught a squirrel chewing on the lid. He has been able to get a couple of small holes in it, but nothing serious yet. He is in no danger from eating the plastic from the lid because Missy Linda says that all the tiny bites of plastic are all over the patio. Well, at least he's not swallowing it, right?

Wildlife

Hello humans and most others,

We got a surprise here yesterday right in the middle of the day. Our bobcat came to visit again. He easily hopped over the back fence into the yard. He looked around to see what we might have for him to eat, I suppose, and he walked a little way across the yard. He stood on top of some railroad ties for a minute surveying the scene then effortlessly hopped back over the fence and disappeared into the underbrush. Tio Kane was in the kitchen so he got to see him, too. Sadly, by the time he got the camera, the bobcat had vanished.

Even though I'm glad Missy Linda didn't have any vulnerable small pets in the yard at the time, it is certainly amazing to me to see animals like that in the back yard. You remember, don't you, that they did not take me to the zoo with them? It's getting to be somewhat like our own personal zoo right here.

I have to admit that the bobcat was a lot bigger in real life than he appears in books. Of course, I suppose that most things are huge to me that aren't always that big to you people. Missy Linda said he was bigger than she thought bobcats are, too, though. I guess one of our goals around here will have to be to get a picture of the bobcat to show you all, right?

Gotta Find Her a Job

Good morning humans and most others,

I am putting out this call to help Missy Linda get a job. She is driving me and herself crazy (mostly me!) Her top 10 requirements are:
1. High pay
2. Flexible working hours so she can go to school*
3. Not too physically demanding (no landscaping or moving companies)
4. Not too mentally demanding
5. No overly creepy co-workers
6. Provides opportunities to meet handsome, older, single, not poor men
7. Not too boring
8. No dress code requiring mini-skirts or tank tops to be worn
9. In Edmond or very close proximity
10. Fun

I cannot see why she is having so much trouble finding a job, can you?

*A degree in Creative Studies cannot be acquired by going to class only in the evenings. This is a privilege that is reserved for MBA degree seekers and possibly a couple of other boring degree programs.

Lucky Underwear Effective

Greetings moldy people and moldy others,

I was hoping that this would not happen, but it seems that Missy Linda has decided that lucky underwear helped her to get better grades this semester. She has finally received her grades, and they are better than she expected. She had such drama going on during finals week, she said, that she did not expect to do well on her tests. (One of her usual excuses.) Anyway, on the day of her final in the class with the professor on whom she swore out a fatwa, she wore her lucky underwear in lieu of excessive studying. And, God help me (I use whatever help I can get---God, Allah, Ganesh, Shiva, whoever), she evidently did well on the test because she got a B in the class. She was thinking that she would get a C for sure. We heard more screaming around here about this professor than any I have heard about in a while.

Well, I suppose you are thinking, "So what? What is wrong with lucky underwear?" Obviously, you do not know Missy Linda. She can get slightly obsessive about things on occasion. The thing I am hoping for the most in this situation is that washing the lucky underwear won't render them ineffective (in her mind)! I mean, you can see the problems this could initiate, can't you?

Babies Are Out and About

Hello humans and most others,

I am wondering again about this thing that Missy Linda has about or with squirrels. Are you? There seems to be a whole new generation of squirrels invading the back yard now. Missy Linda thinks they are hilarious because they are small and very awkward (for squirrels). They have trouble hanging on to moving bird feeders and climbing skinny metal poles and stuff like that. Also, it is easy to scare the bejeebers out of them. (She thinks that is hilarious!)

Missy Linda did mention that she had a warning for me to mention to you all. She said that if one throws ice cubes too hard at small animals, other things can get broken. She put two big ol' cracks in one of her feeders by throwing really hard. The sassy squirrel who was sitting there was hardly even fazed by the hit that was about two inches from his head. It did make the feeder spin all around, and, of course, it made a big noise, but he just kept eating. I have real fears about how this war is developing. We already have the giant raccoons, possums, armadillos, and no telling what else out there. I fear the day that they might organize together. Surely, you can envision my fear, right?

Let's just say I don't think it would be like Beatrix Potter or Mother West Wind out there!

Happy Mothers' Day

Hi there humans and some others,

I didn't realize that I had dropped the ball for two days. I must have not gotten enough oxygen when I was in the shopping bag hiding. Oh, well. Brain cells grow back, right?

I understand that today is Mother's Day. I can't really comprehend that completely because, as you know, I have no idea about my parentage. It seems like it is a pretty big deal to you humans. To me, it appears to be kind of silly---but, I suppose that is because I have no reference point. I know one thing for sure: I am glad that Missy Linda is not my biological mother! I don't understand all that stuff about genetics and such, but I know I don't want to be like her! I am just hoping that as I meet more and more of you humans, I discover that you are mostly different from her.

Missy Linda did say that her Mothers' Day started off well with some Folger's Chocolate Silk coffee. She enjoys that on a cool, rainy Sunday. I am happy to report that she did not sing the "Coffee Song" this morning so she didn't need her cup quite as much as a heroin addict needs a fix. She just gets a headache (what else is new?) and is cranky if she doesn't get her coffee. That's enough to deal with for me! Any bigger stuff than that and I am back in the shopping bag!

Hand Cramps!

Greetings humans and most others,

Well, finals week is almost over for Missy Linda. Yippee! No more complaining! (Yeah, right!)
Today her subject is about hand cramps. She gripes that writing for two hours with a pen gives people hand cramps when they are accustomed to using a keyboard. Poor Missy Linda! First it was piano lessons and typing on a typewriter. Now it is using a pen. Boo, hoo!

My personal take on it is this. After, Shut-up already! I say if you are a Creative Studies major which is in the English department, there are going to be things you must write. Duh! She whines that all assignments must be done on a computer with a certain font with very strict rules, and no hand written papers will be accepted---except tests. She is such a ninny.

I say to Missy Linda, "Take a couple of ibuprofen before the test. Write your stupid answers for two hours. Go home. Shut-up." That's my best advice.

Do you think these mold remedies would remove the mold in Missy Linda's brain?

Keeping up

Good day humans and others,

Hey, at least the ads on the side there did a good job today catching up with the content. It's just too bad that Missy Linda was sneezing all over the computer when she was turning things on for me! Maybe she should check into some of those products.

Well, I'm not sure how things went today at Missy Linda's test. She came home waving around one of those blue notebooks and was yelling some stuff about how she would rather have had a bad grade than the comments the professor put on her test. I don't know what in the world that means! I thought that grades are what one wants. Anyway, that was not a test she took today. That was just one that she got back today. I'll be glad when she graduates! I have heard her say that it is only two years away. Is that all? I think I will have to figure out how to run without legs for sure if I have to put up with this stuff that much longer! I can't take this!

Ahhh. Back to Normal

Hey there humans and others,

Well, I guess we are not having Cinco de Mayo around here this year. At least we are not having a party that I've heard anything about. It wouldn't be the same without my good friend Andrew anyway. But, hey. Maybe Missy Linda is going to surprise me.

At least it is not all bright and shining this morning. I can not believe how bright the sun really is when I haven't seen it for awhile. We are back to our what seems to be normal cloudy and very dark morning with heavy rain headed our way. So, what else is new? I think even my brain is beginning to mold---or maybe, at least, mildew.

Missy Linda says moldy brain matter is not good during finals week. I think that if the sun were shining, she would say that sunshiny plant-growth-inducing weather is not good for finals week. I think that whatever it is, it clouds her brain (pun intended).

Were You Afraid?

Hello humans and others,

I was very scared this morning, were you? For awhile there, it was so light out that I could not see for the glare! It took me a long time to figure out that it was just the sun shining for a change! Have you had that problem? I see that it is over for now as it is already cloudy and raining here again.

I hope that we can see the sun again soon, though. Even though it causes the plants to give out pollen and things, we still need the sunshine. We will just have to suffer through the flower and tree and grass allergies because sometimes they are no worse than the allergies from the mold and squishy stuff from incessant rain and cloudiness. And besides that, we all need our Vitamin D, right?

Everybody Run! The Crazy Lady's Got a Gun!

Greetings humans and others,

That's not really true. The crazy lady does not have a gun so we should probably count ourselves lucky. I am sure if she did have a gun, we should definitely run on a day like today. That title actually came from a song from the 80s that Missy Linda always liked. It is called, "Everybody Run! The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun!" There was an especially good video that went with the song.

She has already been out blasting the old man squirrel with ice cubes this morning. You remember him, don't you? He won't leave sometimes even if she actually nails him! He is just the squirrel she is ready to tangle with today.

Are you wondering why she is so extra cranky today, or are you just assuming it's a regular day? Well, this week, Missy Linda got an email from the mister who used to live here. In this email he is trying to wiggle out of some of the things that he had agreed to do. She sort of expected him to pull something like this, but she is still so livid she can hardly see straight. When she hasn't had to deal with him for awhile, she gets lulled into a false sense of peace. I hope that she has some extra blood pressure medicine!

When the fury (and I am not exaggerating) is added to the spring weather headache and the timing of finals week, I am thinking that I will just crawl head first into a shopping bag and stay there until all this blows over. I think I prefer that to actually asking Missy Linda to do anything for me. Wish me luck!

Have You Molded Yet?

Glub, glub, glub humans and others,

That is the sound I make when I am trying to breathe under water. How about you? Really, since my lower body is made of Styrofoam, I would somewhat float, even with my terrible injury that forced me to retire. However, my two halves would definitely not stay together as I float down raging flood waters. My top half would probably not stay upright in turbulent water, and I am sure my face would go underwater---at least part of the time! I am just hoping that it stops raining soon, aren't you?

Again, I suppose that it is one of those times that I am not too cranky about staying home. As you can tell by the big gap in my writing this week, I have been a little discombooberated* this week. I guess the thick, saturated air has slowed down my brain function. I suppose I should just be happy that it didn't get any hotter than it did this week or we would probably have moss hanging from the trees. That is just creepy!

*Discombooberate is not in my dictionary, but I was surprised to discover that "discombobulate" is. Anyway, I am sticking with my personal word, discombooberated, because that is what I was!