They're Ba-a-a-ack!

Dear humans,

Well, here I am again, right next to an ad for a scabies remedy! I thought we had this all settled. What are you guys doing out there? Do you even care what happens to me because of you? Do you even know how embarrassing it is to have an ad like that right on my blog---and not even for the first time? What if there are other Tortilla Keeper People out there looking for others of the same kind, and they see me next to an ad for something disgusting like that?

You all must be heartless, dirty people who don't care at all about me! I have just about had it with all of you! I mean it about having the medical checks and background inquiries. Don't make me have to do that, OK? The first time I see any of you scratching, you have had it!

That Was Close!

Hello humans,

Well, it looks like you guys took showers or something! I see the ads about scabies and nasty parasites are gone. Seriously, though, do they have some kind of screening that they do on you before you can read my blog? I am really getting worried about this. Can you give me any of these diseases through the computer? Can a Tortilla Keeper Person catch human diseases?

If there continues to be no more ads for creepy things, I will trust you people. However, if those ads pop up frequently, then I will have no choice but to instigate some kind of security system for myself. Surely, you can understand this. I have enough to worry about just living with Missy Linda; I can't take much more pressure than that. I don't know if I will issue ID cards of some kind or a password or what, but I am sure you can sympathize with my plight. I will just say that you should probably get ready for an extensive background investigation and an intensive and invasive health work-up, ok?

Alone Again, Naturally

Hello humans,

Have I used that song title before? Well, it is appropriate for me most of the time these days! That has become the definition of the life of Juana Tortilla, lonely and sad Tortilla Keeper Person. I don't have a life any more! When is that old lady going to be finished with school? That's all she cares about. That, and getting a job. If that happens, I might as well just crawl head first back into my shopping bag.

I have to get hold of myself! I swore that I would never live head down in a shopping bag again. I have to resist this mood. I must think of a way to get Missy Linda to go places that she will take me. I have got to get my life of adventure back!

Alert! Alert! Did you see those ads next to me? Why do they think that you guys have scabies or dangerous parasites? Who are you people? Am I in danger from you? Should I go underground for awhile? Help! Help!

At Least Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday

Hello humans,

Well, did you all have a good Oscar night? I didn't, and you can guess why. I did not get a new dress. I did not get to have a party. I did not get invited to someone else's party. I did not get to drink yummy cocktails. I did not get to see any cute Tortilla Keeper guys, or any other guys, for that matter. I think that about sums up my evening!

I heard that tomorrow is Fat Tuesday. Maybe we will do something for that. We don't have to be Catholics to participate in the revelry before Lent, do we? I'm fairly new around here, but I think someone has a pretty slick scam going with this Fat Tuesday deal, don't you? It's like you go out to look for fun sins to commit, and you plan to do it ahead of time. I don't know if giving up something for Lent can make up for all the stuff I would be interested in doing. How about you?

Have You Been to the Movies?

Hello humans,

Since tonight is the Oscars, I was wondering if any of you all have seen the movies that are nominated. As you have heard from me from time to time, I never get to go to the movies. Not because of my own desires, but because Missy Linda won't take me. She seldom even goes unless Missy Barb and Missy Carol and she go together. She just waits for the movies to come to cable. Believe me, that can take awhile! Now that they come out on DVD's so soon, that seems to keep them off cable even longer!

She thinks that it costs too much to pay regular price to get in to a movie unless it is really something special. If everybody thought that way, they would quit making movies, don't you think? When she does go, she tries to go to the cheap showings early in the day or whatever. Anything to save a buck around here!

I'm beginning to wonder if we are even having something tonight for the Oscars. I don't notice any extra activity around here. No one seems to be fixing special food or vacuuming or anything. I think that might be a bad sign, don't you?

Can You Say, "Crazy!"

Hello humans,

I think that Missy Linda may have gone around that bend. She is driving me there if she isn't going there herself. Maybe she and I can enjoy it together.

The other day, Doug-call-me-Doug, a professor, told Missy Linda that she is an absurdist. She has been going bonkers lately googling stuff and trying to figure out if that is what she is. Who knows and more importantly, who cares? What possible difference can that make in the world?

I am not sure, but I do believe that no one is required to wear a T-shirt that says what kind of person that she is or what kind of writer she is or what flavor of ice cream she likes, no matter what those answers might be. I guess I just don't get it. Is it absurdist for Missy Linda to drive me crazy with this?

Where is her Mind?

Good morning humans,

Missy Linda totally forgot to turn on the computer for me yesterday. Can you imagine? If you lived with her you could! She isn't really so much forgetful as she is scatterbrained, as her mother used to say. If she gets something entrenched in her mind, she lets it crowd out other things. This morning she told me that she just remembered that she forgot to go to her supplemental instruction (extra help) class yesterday afternoon at 4:00! She said she felt uneasy, but she fell asleep and didn't even think of it until this morning. She is lucky that they don't actually count absences. She will just make a bad grade if she doesn't "get" the material.

One thing that she was obsessed with yesterday was letting Dr. Givan know that she did not appreciate his portrayal of "Oklahoma women" who were students in his class in a story that he had published earlier. After she had read his story, and it festered in her brain a day, she was ready to blow! She knocked on his office door, and when he answered, she said, "I have come to beat you about the head and neck!"

When she explained why, he was all contrite. He offered her a cookie as a peace offering as he explained why he had portrayed the ladies as he had. She is still trying to think of a way to make him pay that doesn't involve breaking the law or any student/professor rules!

If you ask me (and you are reading my blog, so in a way, you are) she needs to straighten up and get in the game of my life! She is just letting her goofiness control my life! It's just not right! Just because I am inanimate and made of Styrofoam and plastic and whatever toxic chemicals they used when I was created, she thinks that I don't have feelings! If I didn't have feelings, would I be throwing this hissy fit right now?

What's Up?

Greetings humans,

So what's going on out there in your world? Even though Missy Linda says it is kind of cool out, it kind of has that springish feel in the air. It makes me feel like I should be out gardening or something. It makes Missy Linda feel like she should take an antihistamine and then a nap---whatever she means by that! I don't really understand her sometimes.

She thinks that she is working hard at school this semester, but I think she is just kidding herself. It doesn't look like that big of a deal to me. She is in the middle of a story in one of her classes about a knight and a dragon. How hard could that possibly be? You know what a wuss she is! She thinks she is having an exciting time because she is getting to interview people and write a story for a school magazine. Please. Exciting is being invited to an Oscar party. Exciting is meeting a celebrity in person. Exciting is driving really fast in a sports car! Exciting is buying designer clothes! She doesn't even know what exciting is, does she?

I Got Bling!

Hey there humans,

I wanted to show you what I got for my birthday presents. I got bracelets, necklaces, earrings and a big ol' hair bow. Missy Linda said that she would pierce my ears for the earrings. I wonder if that is a good idea!

I want to thank Missy Barb for the necklace with the beads. You can see how lovely it looks. Maybe I will wear it for the Oscars this weekend. Oh, my! That reminds me. I had completely forgotten about this being Oscar weekend. I'll bet Missy Linda will not let me have a party since I just had a birthday party. She is kind of lazy, you know. More importantly, she gets all wrapped up in her own stuff, and she totally forgets about me. That is harsh, don't you agree?

Good Valium-Time Day Here

Hello humans,

Oh, great! Just a note here: Missy Linda is singing her Coffee Song this morning. That means she needs her fix really badly and/or the coffee is extra good this morning. It's usually that she needs it a lot!

Back to the business at hand - - -How was your Valium-Time Day? Mine was good. Amazing, huh? No, I don't have a honey. No, Missy Linda doesn't have a honey. No, Tio Kane doesn't have a honey. However, we did have a good time.

On Saturday afternoon, Missy Ryley and Missy Emma came over to play. Ryley looked stunning in a gold dress with bright pink shoes. Missy Emma looked fabulous in a hot pink Mexican wedding dress with her own sparkly pink shoes. Jewelry was worn like the safe was emptied. A beautiful tiara crowned Missy Ryley's curly tresses. It was an event!

Later, Missy Lesley and Mr. Nick brought dinner for everyone---home cooked dinner. It was delicious. Then for dessert, we all dipped different things into melty chocolate on long skinny forks. I believe they called it fondue. It was great fun, and we ate until the chocolate was gone! After the scrumptious meal, there was hip-hop dancing! I pronounce that the day was a rousing success, wouldn't you?

I am Not Michael Phelps!

Greetings humans,

As you can see from my party pic, I am having a little champagne. This is not some scandalous, illegal incident like that swimmer guy in the newspaper. It is perfectly all right for me to drink a whole bottle of champagne that is taller than I am. As a matter of fact, it is really refreshing! (Of course, I did not drink it alone!)

Look at the cake with a candle that Missy Barb made for me. I don't actually remember getting a piece of the cake, but who knows for sure? Missy Barb took it to the kitchen to cut, and that's the last I remember of the cake. I did get plenty of the champagne, though! Next time I will show you all the stuff that I got for gifts. It was quite a haul!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Greetings humans,

Oh, Wow! When I see this picture, I remember how much fun I had at my birthday party. It was so-o-o-o cool. In this picture are PseudoUncle, Missy Carol and Missy Barb. They really went all out for my party. Notice that bottle of champagne is taller than I am, not counting my hat. Don't worry. There are more pictures to show you tomorrow.

Well, central Oklahoma, it looks like a great many of you have a lot of work ahead of you this morning cleaning up the tornado damage. That was pretty scary, wasn't it? I hope that doesn't happen again. If we are the buckle of the Bible belt, why are we also the buckle of the tornado belt?

I Think I Might Be In Kansas!

Greetings humans,

Wow! We had some storms here this afternoon! Evidently a tornado touched down about a half mile from our house. We were lucky to dodge this one. We had a lot of hail, too. We didn't have the tennis ball size that they talked about some folks getting, but we had some golf ball size. I hope that this is not a sign that we are going to have a stormy spring. That makes Missy Linda all cranky.

Missy Linda was at the doctor's office this afternoon when the storm hit Edmond. The power went out there, and everyone was herded into the x-ray room. There were several people with what sounded like the flu or horrible colds. Missy Linda figures she will get sick now since she was standing right between two women who had very hoarse voices. Great! Just what she needs, right?

Just Need Some Help

Hello humans,

I am sorry (actually, annoyed) to report that the pictures from my fabulous birthday party are not ready yet. Tio Kane has to help me get the pictures ready for the blog, and he has been busy. At least, that's what he says. That's what he and Missy Linda always say when I need help with things. I am getting tired of it. If I had some money or if I were famous, I would hire my own assistant. Maybe I could even have a reality show on TV to find one like Paris Hilton did to get a new BFF or like Flavor Flav and Bret Michaels do to find love. I think that would be fabulous, don't you?

I've been thinking, and I have decided that I need to figure out a way to actually become famous. I know that I have you all for friends, but I feel the need to become famous in that way that Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton and Brody Jenner are famous. You know, no particular talents that are discernable, but still on television and rich and famous. I think I would be quite good at that, don't you?

Missy Barb, I hope you feel better soon.

Birthday Parties For Me Are Great!

Greetings humans,

Wow! What a party! I'll try to have pictures for you tomorrow. I think I like this birthday party stuff. I do believe that I will go take a nap now since it was about 6:00 am when we went to bed this morning, and we got up before 9:00. I am a little worn out. But I do think that it was worth it. Wait 'til you see what I got for gifts! Can you hardly wait?

Missy Linda wanted me to tell you that I made a mistake (of course it was me) with the name of the young man who was sent back to Iraq for the third time last Monday. His name is actually Adam Charles Miller.

Tonight, Tonight, Won't Be Just Any Night

Good Morning humans,

Tonight is my birthday party! I can hardly wait! As soon as I finish this, I am going to somehow get to the door and stand there until time to go. That way Missy Linda CANNOT forget me. Yes, she is so scatter-brained that she could forget the guest of honor for a party. I hope that I have some cool pictures to show you!

This is one of my biggest days ever! I hope that it is as much fun as I envision. I guess there is always the possibility that Missy Linda will drop the ball, and she will not do much to make the party fun. You don't think Missy Linda would do that, do you?

I am Young

Hey there, humans,

I have decided that Tio Kane put the wrong age on my MySpace page. I think I am a lot younger than that, don't you? I think that I am about twenty, maybe. Since I have no idea when I was manufactured or even where I came from, my best guess (or my most flattering guess) should be the official age for me, right? I'm just sorry for all you humans that you are required to go by the PUBLIC and official records as to your age - - -not!

This is exciting news for you all out there! As soon as Tio Kane and Missy Linda have time (maybe never) I am going to try to have a facebook page. Missy Linda had heard that inanimate (that hurts!) people could not have a page. However, Missy Linda's classmate told her that she should be able to have a page for me. Wouldn't that be exciting?

Time for Me

Hello humans,

What a great day it is to me! Missy Linda has to be at school almost all day today, and that means I can shop on the internet. She has come home between classes, but she will have to go back up to school soon. As soon as she leaves again, I am going to get to work with her credit card. I hope that she is not up to the credit limit again!

I am worried about what she might think is an appropriate gift for me for my birthday so I am going to do some shopping for myself --- just in case. By the time she finds out, I will have had time to butter her up and get on her good side so she will let me keep the stuff I order. I have it all worked out. I sneaked her card out of her purse while she was resting for a few minutes. Let me tell you, that is not easy for me to do with no legs! Can you imagine?

Here It Comes Again!

Greetings all you humans,

I cannot believe that half the commercials on TV are about Valentine's (or as we call it, Valium Time) crap. Everyone around here gets so cranky about that holiday. Can you guess the reason? It's not that hard to figure, is it? No one in this house has a honey! It is pretty sad the way the humans in this house try to justify and act like they wouldn't want a sweetie pie anyway. They are just liars, I think!

Missy Linda says that at least she doesn't have to worry about what she will be doing for Valium Time's Day --- or at least she knows what she won't be doing. She won't be going out for a romantic dinner or cooking one for anyone but herself. She won't be opening a gift that is some lovely necklace or earrings or something fabulous like that. She won't be kissing any cute guys. Tio Kane tells her that she says that like those nice things used to happen to her! She says she doesn't care --- that it's better this way. There's no tension and no disappointment. I don't believe a word of it, do you?

Thank you, Missy Ashley, for the good wishes.

Yippee for Power!

Greetings humans,

Yea! There is electricity on Hummingbird Lane in Fayetteville, AR, now. It came on late this morning evidently. What great news! Now, I guess there are all those people in Kentucky and Tennessee to be concerned about. Even a Styrofoam person feels worried about those people who have been without power for so long, even one who seems as selfish as I.

I guess I won't complain about not having my big birthday celebration until next weekend with all that misery going on in our own back yard. That would make me seem like an unfeeling Styrofoam person, I suppose. If there is anything that I want you humans to understand, it is that I have feelings---and they are not all bad ones! I will admit that I seem to think that I am the center of the universe at times, but isn't that only natural---even if I were a human?