Terror Spreads!

Good day everyone,


Just a quick update to let you know that the wasp terror is spreading in Missy Barb's area. Take emergency precautions now!

Missy Barb's neighbor called her to ask who her magic bug dude is. She said that she is a hostage in her home and cannot go out any of the doors. Her little granddaughter was attacked by a vicious kamikaze wasp, and they are going to fight back!

Missy Barb is having the bug dude come back to attempt a final eradication incantation in order to get the last of her attackers. She still has some! Good luck on fighting this plague, good citizens.


As you can see, Mushu has decided that he has had enough of the raccoon for one day. He is annoyed that the raccoon is scaring away his bird friends but will not play with him.


I believe I heard Mushu say, "I'm outta here! You are no fun, and I'm going to tell on you, you big bully! And take off that stupid mask!"

Proof of Standoff in Suburbia!

Greetings humans,

As I promised, here is proof that there was actual standoff drama right in our own backyard, literally. Missy Linda is not sure who was there first, Mushu or the raccoon, but she thinks probably Mushu was already lying there "bird watching." The bird feeders are right above the raccoon's head. Scenes such as this are one reason that Missy Linda is of the opinion that Mushu believes himself to be invisible. He will wait that close to the feeders for an interminable length of time, seemingly fully expecting birds to come feed right next to him.


"At least he tries," says Missy Linda with the confidence that the birds are in no real danger.In the picture above, we can see that Mushu is staring at the raccoon, while the raccoon ignores Mushu. They do actually stare at each other for periods of time, but nothing else happens. Each decides the other is harmless and goes about his business.


In this picture, we can see Mushu looking up as the cardinals swoop toward the feeder, see the giant cat and raccoon, and then swoop away. The raccoon stops eating momentarily to mug for the camera. This goes on for awhile.

Is that so exciting that you can hardly believe it? Why waste your energy going to a zoo when you can see drama like this from your window? Right?

Missy Linda wants me to issue a disclaimer about that sad stick that was a crepe myrtle. Two of those "sticks" are the actual original bush that Missy Linda transplanted in the heat of summer a couple of weeks ago. The sad little branches that can barely be seen are the live pieces that are left. The other sticks and things are being used to position the branches where she would like for them to grow. If there's one thing about Missy Linda, it's that she just can't leave well enough alone. Can you believe her?

What's So Bad About Crabgrass?

Good blazing morning!

How do you people in Oklahoma stand this heat? I am about to melt---and I do mean that literally. It has been so hot and dry here lately that I don't think I can bear it much longer! One thing I don't understand is; how can it be so dry and yet so humid? I don't want to hear some scientific explanation. Missy Linda already explained that (like she knows!) I want some kind of a cosmic or karmic or more meaningful explanation.

Here's another thing that I have been wondering about lately; what's so bad about crabgrass to you humans? Did crabgrass kill someone that the whole country held in high esteem? Did crabgrass offend an important person, and therefore, start a war? Did crabgrass torture a Gitmo prisoner? I just don't get it.

Missy Linda whines around all the time about how half the yard is crabgrass. She says she needs to buy some crabgrass killer and spray the yard to get rid of it. You know what I think? The parts of the yard that are mostly crabgrass look the greenest and the best. Today is the first time that Missy Linda has even watered the grass this year, and if it weren't for the crabgrass, the yard would all be brown.

So, I stand by my original question; What's So Bad About Crabgrass?

Wasps and Bugs and Bees, Oh My!

My dear peasants,

I come to you today to ask your help in something very important to me. I am afraid that I must ask you to take a respite from your revolution in order to help a friend of all of ours. As your Queen, I beg you to please consider my plea.
It has come to my attention that our friend,Missy Barb, has some varmints after her again! We must band together to help her overcome this horrible plague (even if she asks for it sometimes!) I heard just this morning that she was out trying to mow her lawn again, when out of nowhere, she was dive bombed by a bee! That's right, a bee! Right on her cheek (I'm assuming, one of the cheeks on her face)! I see no reason that she should have to be out trying to mow her own yard when she is a friend of Marie Antoinette, Queen of France. Some of you lazy peasants get over there to do her yard work for her. Right now!

There is more than one reason that I ask you to help my friend. One, obviously, is that these pesky flying menaces keep attacking her. Another is that she is going to embarrass the Queen by going outside to do her work in that get-up she insists will keep her safe. She wears something that she calls her "Jolly Green Giant Suit," which is what I would call a tight-fitting hazmat suit. Over that she wears jeans, shirt and socks, and to top off the whole ensemble, a hat AND a scarf.

Now, I don't know about you peasants, but it is embarrassing to the Queen for a person who is known to be her friend, to be dressed like that outside her home. Even if she is only in her own yard, she could still be seen. Please, help me by helping my friend. And if you catch her out dressed in that get-up, throw a net over her and throw her in the Bastille, where she can get some much-needed rest. She must be saved from herself before she has a heat stroke! Won't you help me, your Queen, help a friend?

The Revolution Continues

Greetings to all the peasants out there,

Today, the revolution continues. Here you see me re-enacting the famous, "Let them eat cake " scene from the life of Marie Antoinette. You know the one....Someone tells the Queen, Marie Antoinette, that the peasants are starving because they have no bread. Then Marie is supposed to have said, "Then let them eat cake." Supposedly, reports to the peasants of this story made them pretty upset. Not long after that some people with torches stormed the Bastille, which was a prison.

The people stormed the prison because the Marquis de Sade (You know who that is, don't you?) screamed out the window that the prisoners were being massacred. The funny thing is the government was closing the prison and planned to tear down the facility when it was stormed. Thanks, peasants.There was also a Count held in the Bastille who was involved, along with Marie, in some kind of scandal about a huge, and I mean huge, diamond necklace. Historians believe this was also a thorn in the side of the peasants and helped bring about the revolution.

Diamond necklaces. Cake.----I love it, don't you? Who but the French would get so uptight about such things?
I wanted to make sure that I showed you this close-up of my beautiful self, along with my fantastic wig. Is that not amazing? And what about that choker? I believe I am in my element. And it really wouldn't hurt me to be beheaded, would it?

Meet the New Marie Antoinette!

Greetings peasants,

(Trumpet fanfare, trumpet fanfare)

Now making her entrance into the ballroom is the Queen of France, Marie Antoinette!
(Are you all bowing and curtsying out there?)Oh, my goodness! Can you even tell that is me? I do believe I have found my calling in life! I have never felt more beautiful or regal. This dress is totally me, don't you think? I think that the years immediately preceding 1789 are now my favorite era in history. These fashions were made for me. (Especially considering my unusual body type and the fact that my beautiful blue lace and roses dress is glued to my body)This style definitely makes the most of my figure, don't you think?

I must wonder if anyone of that actual era had a better hair style than my beautiful wig. It is so exciting getting to have different colored hair, not to mention different and amazing styles. I think that this is my most exciting discovery of human life so far! You human women have it made in the shade with all the beauty help you can access. I think that if I were a human, I would definitely want to be the very rich queen of a very fashion-forward country. Don't you think that would be my perfect job?

Puck Was a Good Friend

Good morning,

Today, I am not going to talk about sad things about Puck. He was Missy Linda's faithful friend for fifteen years. As a matter of fact, he was born in July. He was a tri-colored Shetland Sheepdog. Although his parents were both registered, Puck did not want to worry about things like that----he just wanted to have fun and be a friend.

When he was a puppy, Puck was very shy. He did not want to be petted too much, and he definitely did not want people to hold him. The vet said that the family should just hold him and pet him until he learned to like it. He finally did learn to like being petted. As a matter of fact, he could be a little bit of a pest about it. Puck and Button were litter mates, so gregarious Button took the lead in social situations.

I have heard Missy Linda tell the story of how Puck and Button were heroes to the lady next door. I believe I have told you the story of how the neighbor recognized that their barks were urgent and went to check on what was happening. Just then she heard someone cutting the screen on one of her windows. The police were there in just a minute, and the bad dude was arrested. It turned out that he was a really bad dude with lots of things that the police were looking for him about. Puck and Button did not even mention the incident to Missy Linda. The neighbor lady came and told her about it in a few days.

Many people thought that the fact that Puck and Button ate green beans for their treats was unusual. A vet told Missy Linda about how green beans were a really low cal snack that many dogs liked. Button has arthritis, and she needs to keep her weight down, so that's how that got started. But they did enjoy their beans, straight out of the can.

Missy Linda was always glad that while the dogs were young, they lived on a big acreage where they could run and run and run. They had many adventures there, some of which required short hair-cuts afterwards. There was a lot of wildlife for them to chase and keep away from the house. When they moved to this house with a small yard, Puck took as his responsibility keeping the squirrels out of the bird feeders.

One thing that makes Missy Linda love Shelties so much is that they are so-o-o-o loyal, and they frequently love women more than men. Wherever Missy Linda was, there were Puck and Button----frequently annoyingly close, as in right at her feet. She figures that having dogs lying in the middle of the kitchen floor when she was cooking gave her good skills for when she has those five little girls over because they are frequently under foot also-----which is not a bad thing.

Well, Missy Linda will have some pictures for you all in a few days. There are pictures of Puck, but they aren't in the computer. Also, remember, he was a shy, unassuming dog. He will be missed a great deal at this house.

Saying Goodbye To Puck

A sad good morning,

Yesterday afternoon around 4:00, one of Missy Linda's beloved Shelties died. Puck had been sick for a little while, but he did not seem that sick until that morning. Missy Linda was gone to start cleaning out her mother's things from the house where her mother had lived. Although her mother had died in October, it was unnecessary to move her things hurriedly because Missy Linda's brother and sister-in-law own the house. That was already reason to have a sobering day.

Things were getting done at the house when, in early afternoon, Tio Kane called Missy Linda to ask her to come home because Puck was not doing well at all. Missy Linda rushed home, which took about an hour. Puck may have been semi-comatose by then. Tio Kane was holding his head because he had been gagging or trying to vomit. Missy Linda lay on the floor beside Puck, petting him and talking to him. He seemed to relax, and Missy Linda could tell it would be only a short time longer. She really did not want him to suffer. Tio Kane was very upset because he did not want Puck to suffer or to be afraid either.

When Puck was gone, Missy Linda wrapped him in the blanket from her bed, and then she did something that I don't quite understand. Since the deep freezer was nearly empty, she moved the food to the freezer in the refrigerator, and she put Puck in the deep freezer in the garage. I was wondering if that was supposed to be Puck's heaven. Every time anyone opened the fridge, Puck was standing there waiting for an ice cube. Sometimes he would run a little with it in his mouth or toss it in the air a few times, like he had to chase it down for food. Then he would always lie down with it and lick it until it got small before he would bite it-----like you humans seem to do with Tootsie Pops.

While this is all an enigma to me, I will keep my eyes and ears open to try to learn how you humans do things in this situation. I don't know if there will be a funeral for Puck or what, but if there is, I will keep you all advised, ok?

Thanks, Tio Kane.

They're Back!

Greetings,

There is bad news from Missy Barb's house. The wasps are back---well, maybe not so much back as the bug dude may have missed at least one batch with his magical powder and his incantations. And they are after Missy Barb!!!

It seems that the little blue bird house that has already served its purpose for this season's bird family has become a mansion for a wayward evil swarm of wasps. These are near the back door. Missy Barb was minding her own business while trying to wash a couple of windows and the big glass door when they swooped out of nowhere to attack her! She had thought this nightmare was over, but perhaps she will never be safe again! Missy Barb, just stay inside. Nobody cares if your windows are clean but you.

Missy Barb did try to go outside to finish her job while wearing a buttoned-up winter coat and a big hat, but let's face it, it is mid-July in Oklahoma. The last we heard from her, she was going outside after dark to try to get things done. Those varmints have to sleep sometime! Or do they?

Wrath of Juana

Hi,

I must talk about Project Runway today since my Bastille Day pictures are still not ready. First of all, is everyone else as annoyed as I am because Bravo seems to be giving the show the cold shoulder? I saw very few (or maybe none) commercials telling that it would be on this week. Just because they are changing networks after this season, doesn't mean that Bravo shouldn't still be courting the viewers. I watch several shows on their network, don't you? They had better be nice to the people on my favorite show or the Wrath of Juana with be loosed upon them.

I must say that I was somewhat surprised at which contestant was asked to leave. Although I definitely agreed with who were the bottom two, I thought probably garbage bag dress lady should have gone. Her dress had such a small amount of work to it. I guess that's one reason we watch the show, right?----to see if we agree with the judges.

I did think the dress made from the plastic cups was smart and attractive. However, I don't think even I will be going to the grocery store to get the things with which to make my wardrobe, will you?

Where Does the Time Go?

Good morning humans,

My goodness! I must have slept a couple of days since the last entry! I didn't realize that my Bastille Day celebrating had been that exhausting, but evidently it was. I haven't had a chance to even get the pictures out of the camera yet, as I literally, just got up. I will finish telling you about Emma's birthday for now, ok?

I can tell you that,by the time the gifts were opened by Emma, with a lot of help from Ryley, I felt like I had been in a war zone for awhile. I did not realize what serious stuff opening birthday gifts is for you humans! That's me in the top picture all tangled in ribbon (as if you can't see that.)

The second picture is Ryley and me. That picture doesn't show her beautiful blue eyes as they really look. Nor does it convey her usual impish twinkle. I think she may have been getting a little tired by the time this was taken. I must admit, I did have a great time.

Maybe by tomorrow, I will have had the energy to get the Bastille Day pictures ready. I'm as anxious as you all must be to find out what all I did. (!)

Happy Bastille Day

Greetings cake eaters,

As you may know, Bastille Day is the celebration of the anniversary of the beginning of the French Revolution. I read in a book that Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake," when told that the peasants did not have bread to eat. I get the impression that those peasants did not like her little joke, huh?

However, the reason that I am particularly interested in Bastille Day is those French aristocrats had the most beautiful and exciting clothes, and they just did things that they enjoyed. Who would not want to celebrate that! I'll have tales to tell you how I celebrated the decadence soon. (I think that I plan to embrace the side of the revolution that most people shun.)

I am going to go back to telling you about Emma's party of Saturday evening. I met a most interesting fellow there by the name of Diego. He is really something! Evidently he has his own television show, and his name is one of about three words that Emma can say. Emma's sister Ryley has been quite taken with him for a couple of years now. Below is a picture of Emma introducing me to Diego. I must say that I believe the sparks were flying! You can see the excitement in the next picture of Diego and me. I'm sure he likes me, aren't you?

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That Was Not Good Clean Fun!

Good morning humans,

Well, all I can tell you is that Missy Emma's party was not good clean fun! I personally had a blast, but it got down and dirty after a while! My art director, Tio Kane, has not prepared the photos for publication yet. We did all party last night, you know, and this is not the "New York Times" with an urgent deadline.

I can tell you that Missy Emma was dressed elegantly in a white dress with "Birthday Princess" embroidered on the bodice. Her white leather ballet flats with tiny flowers across the straps completed her look for the evening. Considering that we had Mr. Dari's famous spaghetti and meatballs, it was amazing that little one-year-old Emma's dress remained white.

When it was time for the celebratory fiery dessert, she had her own personal large cupcake. She did not hesitate to dig right into her treat. First she attacked the frosting with a "no hands" technique that caused her to stick her whole face right on the top. She was hooked! She continued this approach until someone took off the paper for her. Then she grabbed the sweet with both hands and devoured it----with bites as delicate as she could muster and still enjoy herself.

Missy Linda said that she would post pictures as soon as they are ready even if it is later today. Can you hardly wait to see me at the party?

So Far, So Good

Hi humans,

Well, as far as I know it's "So Far, So Good" as far as the killer wasps who have been stalking Missy Barb. I'll let you know if there are further developments.

You wouldn't believe what Missy Linda is doing for me for Bastille Day! I can't tell you now, but when you see me on that day, you will be amazed. (And if you are not amazed, could you just try a little and see if you can't manage it, for me?) This shows me that Missy Linda does care about things that are important to me, sometimes. I realize that sometimes she cares, but really just can't get everything done that I would like for her to accomplish. I guess I have learned some important things about humans today, right?

Well, TGIF for me. How about you? I have had a boring week this week. I am hoping for a little excitement for the weekend, aren't you? Somehow watching raccoons in the yard and junk like that just don't thrill me like they do Missy Linda. I think that Missy Linda went to Missy Barb's this week, and she left me here and did not even mention it to me. I could not believe it! I am beginning to know Missy Linda well enough so that I can figure out things if I pay attention. She had better be careful about leaving me out of things! She can just walk and drive and all kinds of things to go wherever she wants, and I can't move an inch. She could be much more aware of my disabilities if she chose to do that. I will have to think of a way to assure that she doesn't forget about me, don't you think?

Personal Horror Movie, White Powder!

Hello,

Did you nearly die waiting for the rest of Missy Barb's story?

When Missy Carol or Missy Linda went over to Missy Barb's house, they could go in and out the front door with no attacks from the killer wasps. That proves my theory (and one of the rules of horror movies) that these attacks were totally personal toward Missy Barb. What did these insects have against her?

Finally the day came when the head bug dude came with his strongest, emergency-only weapon. It was some kind of white powder that somehow got to the wasps better than the sprays. He disseminated the magical concoction while doing the secret chant used only in an extreme crisis.

Bug dude and Missy Barb waited with trepidation. Suddenly, a lone killer wasp staggeringly flew out of the wasp staging area. He was covered with white powder! He dropped to the ground, dead! Jubilation!

I think that Missy Barb will still be wary and check carefully before she goes in or out the front door for a while, but maybe good has triumphed this time. And she is very thankful to be liberated from the need to go all the way around the house to the back door every time she needs to go in and out. But, most assuredly, she is happiest to be almost free from being attacked all the time and free from the pain, swelling and itching that results from the attacks.

For those of you who are dying to know, it was her blouse that Missy Barb ripped off during the aerial attack from the heathen wasps. Missy Linda said that she bet Missy Barb was glad she did not live in view of a busy highway. Missy Barb had bigger concerns! She just wanted to escape the marauding predators with her life!

And there you have it.

Personal Horror Movie!

Greetings,

Well, as I promised, this is the story of Missy Barb's own personal horror movie!

It was a dark and stormy night.....wait a minute! It was broad daylight! Missy Barb was having some problems with wasps at her house. This was not a new thing; it happened pretty much every year. Usually they would call the bug dudes out to spray, and the problem would be pretty much alleviated.

Sooooo.....Missy Barb called the bug dudes to come spray for wasps when she saw that the varmints were back again. They had evidently built their nests close to the front door, and it was hard to go in or out. The bug dudes came and sprayed. Missy Barb walked out the front door and was followed by a contingent of first strike wasps!

This was not how it was supposed to work! Missy Barb called the bug dudes to come again. They came and sprayed again. Missy Barb walked out her front door, thinking there would be no way there could be any wasps left now. (Missy Barb does not watch horror movies or she would know how things must happen.) Air Alert! Air Alert! She is being stalked by another squadron (two) of the killer wasps!

Dive bomb! Dive bomb! She was bombed (stung) by the two kamikaze wasps! One of the stings was on her ear. Ouch! Missy Barb ran back into the house and called the bug dudes again. She told them in no uncertain terms to bring the strongest stuff they have. Bug dude said that he had been using the strongest stuff they have..... but he may have one weapon left! In the meantime, Missy Barb had to unload the groceries by going all the way around to a different door to get into the house. A few of these trips amounted to a full-fledged jog!

Missy Barb went out to mow her lawn on her riding mower because it had to be done. (Airplane diving noise, airplane diving noise, airplane diving noise!) Ouch! Three huge stings! Missy Barb yanks off her hat and a piece of clothing where she is being stung and makes a bee line (Oh, no! I didn't just say that, did I?) for the house! When was that guy going to bring the big guns of the wasp killers!

To be continued.....Can you hardly wait?

Mom and Babies

Good morning everyone,

Missy Linda is in high gear today! This morning she saw a mom and two baby raccoons out under the bird feeders. She nearly blew a gasket, she was so excited! When she opened the door to go out to get a picture, the mother must have heard her because they ran away. That mother raccoon is probably more alert and watchful than the raccoon that has been coming there to feed lately. He will just watch for awhile to make sure the cats or dogs aren't going to bother him, and then he just goes back to eating. I guarantee that if she gets a picture of the mother and kids, you will see it here first----no matter how grainy or out of focus or badly lit it is.You know where I put Missy Linda on my list of photographers---the absolute bottom! That's why I have Tio Kane do my photo shoots.

We didn't do anything here for Canada Day. Did you all do anything? I don't really know how they celebrate their day, and I guess I was too lazy to make Missy Linda do any research for me. I am pumped for Bastille Day, though. I know that involved a lot of violence and a lot of fashion! What more could you want than drama and dresses for a holiday?

Coming Soon to Juana Tortilla's Blog:
Missy Barb's own personal horror movie
Emma Grace's first birthday party
Bastille Day

Celebrations!

Hi,
Well, I can say that you humans really know how to celebrate a country's birthday! As you can see, I was way too busy yesterday to post on my blog. What more could humans want than food, outdoor fun, parades and fireworks to really do things up right? I think you guys have this holiday celebration down pat. I approve heartily of the way you guys do this!

I believe that today is Canada day, which, I assume is similar to our 4th of July. I don't think the Canadians could top you humans from the United States when it comes to celebrating, though.

Also having a birthday today, I believe, is Mr. Fred. He is Missy Carol's husband, and I am glad that he is part of Missy Linda's family. He is a nice guy. Happy Birthday, Mr. Fred! If you see Mr. Fred, tell him that I wished him a happy birthday, ok?

Looking Forward

Fabulous morning all,

As you can see, I am looking forward to a very exciting future for myself. I am looking forward to the holiday tomorrow---the first Fourth of July that I will actually get to celebrate! I am looking forward to doing whatever Missy Linda will allow me to do in the pursuit of my own happiness. I am looking forward to learning all I can about you crazy humans. I am looking forward to figuring out a way to use the computer without Missy Linda's assistance. I am looking forward to playing with all those little girls that come to visit Missy Linda and Tio Kane. I am looking forward to tasting all kinds of new (to me) foods. There are so many things that I am looking forward to that I could never list all of them. I would bet that there are many, many things that you all have to look forward to also. Why don't you see if you can list some?

Oh, Beautiful, With Big Brown Eyes

Glorious good morning,


I was just thinking about running for office. What do you think? I know that I am of Hispanic heritage, but I could have been made in the good ol' USA anyway. As soon as I find out, maybe I'll run for president! I could run for other things now because, I believe, that president is the only office that one must be a natural born citizen. Well, and I guess it follows that the vice-president must also be a natural born citizen----just in case.At the very least, I should try to be Miss Hispanic USA---or Miss America---or Miss USA, whatever contest I can qualify to enter. If I am not qualified for any of these, maybe I should just start my own contest.

By the way, this is a good time to bring up my age. I believe that Tio Kane is just a few years off on the age that he put on MySpace for me. I guess that's what I get for relying on a human to do something for me. I believe, for the sake of beauty contests, that I will go with 21 years old, until I find out for sure. What do you think?