Gotta Find Her a Job

Good morning humans and most others,

I am putting out this call to help Missy Linda get a job. She is driving me and herself crazy (mostly me!) Her top 10 requirements are:
1. High pay
2. Flexible working hours so she can go to school*
3. Not too physically demanding (no landscaping or moving companies)
4. Not too mentally demanding
5. No overly creepy co-workers
6. Provides opportunities to meet handsome, older, single, not poor men
7. Not too boring
8. No dress code requiring mini-skirts or tank tops to be worn
9. In Edmond or very close proximity
10. Fun

I cannot see why she is having so much trouble finding a job, can you?

*A degree in Creative Studies cannot be acquired by going to class only in the evenings. This is a privilege that is reserved for MBA degree seekers and possibly a couple of other boring degree programs.

Lucky Underwear Effective

Greetings moldy people and moldy others,

I was hoping that this would not happen, but it seems that Missy Linda has decided that lucky underwear helped her to get better grades this semester. She has finally received her grades, and they are better than she expected. She had such drama going on during finals week, she said, that she did not expect to do well on her tests. (One of her usual excuses.) Anyway, on the day of her final in the class with the professor on whom she swore out a fatwa, she wore her lucky underwear in lieu of excessive studying. And, God help me (I use whatever help I can get---God, Allah, Ganesh, Shiva, whoever), she evidently did well on the test because she got a B in the class. She was thinking that she would get a C for sure. We heard more screaming around here about this professor than any I have heard about in a while.

Well, I suppose you are thinking, "So what? What is wrong with lucky underwear?" Obviously, you do not know Missy Linda. She can get slightly obsessive about things on occasion. The thing I am hoping for the most in this situation is that washing the lucky underwear won't render them ineffective (in her mind)! I mean, you can see the problems this could initiate, can't you?

Babies Are Out and About

Hello humans and most others,

I am wondering again about this thing that Missy Linda has about or with squirrels. Are you? There seems to be a whole new generation of squirrels invading the back yard now. Missy Linda thinks they are hilarious because they are small and very awkward (for squirrels). They have trouble hanging on to moving bird feeders and climbing skinny metal poles and stuff like that. Also, it is easy to scare the bejeebers out of them. (She thinks that is hilarious!)

Missy Linda did mention that she had a warning for me to mention to you all. She said that if one throws ice cubes too hard at small animals, other things can get broken. She put two big ol' cracks in one of her feeders by throwing really hard. The sassy squirrel who was sitting there was hardly even fazed by the hit that was about two inches from his head. It did make the feeder spin all around, and, of course, it made a big noise, but he just kept eating. I have real fears about how this war is developing. We already have the giant raccoons, possums, armadillos, and no telling what else out there. I fear the day that they might organize together. Surely, you can envision my fear, right?

Let's just say I don't think it would be like Beatrix Potter or Mother West Wind out there!

Happy Mothers' Day

Hi there humans and some others,

I didn't realize that I had dropped the ball for two days. I must have not gotten enough oxygen when I was in the shopping bag hiding. Oh, well. Brain cells grow back, right?

I understand that today is Mother's Day. I can't really comprehend that completely because, as you know, I have no idea about my parentage. It seems like it is a pretty big deal to you humans. To me, it appears to be kind of silly---but, I suppose that is because I have no reference point. I know one thing for sure: I am glad that Missy Linda is not my biological mother! I don't understand all that stuff about genetics and such, but I know I don't want to be like her! I am just hoping that as I meet more and more of you humans, I discover that you are mostly different from her.

Missy Linda did say that her Mothers' Day started off well with some Folger's Chocolate Silk coffee. She enjoys that on a cool, rainy Sunday. I am happy to report that she did not sing the "Coffee Song" this morning so she didn't need her cup quite as much as a heroin addict needs a fix. She just gets a headache (what else is new?) and is cranky if she doesn't get her coffee. That's enough to deal with for me! Any bigger stuff than that and I am back in the shopping bag!

Hand Cramps!

Greetings humans and most others,

Well, finals week is almost over for Missy Linda. Yippee! No more complaining! (Yeah, right!)
Today her subject is about hand cramps. She gripes that writing for two hours with a pen gives people hand cramps when they are accustomed to using a keyboard. Poor Missy Linda! First it was piano lessons and typing on a typewriter. Now it is using a pen. Boo, hoo!

My personal take on it is this. After, Shut-up already! I say if you are a Creative Studies major which is in the English department, there are going to be things you must write. Duh! She whines that all assignments must be done on a computer with a certain font with very strict rules, and no hand written papers will be accepted---except tests. She is such a ninny.

I say to Missy Linda, "Take a couple of ibuprofen before the test. Write your stupid answers for two hours. Go home. Shut-up." That's my best advice.

Do you think these mold remedies would remove the mold in Missy Linda's brain?

Keeping up

Good day humans and others,

Hey, at least the ads on the side there did a good job today catching up with the content. It's just too bad that Missy Linda was sneezing all over the computer when she was turning things on for me! Maybe she should check into some of those products.

Well, I'm not sure how things went today at Missy Linda's test. She came home waving around one of those blue notebooks and was yelling some stuff about how she would rather have had a bad grade than the comments the professor put on her test. I don't know what in the world that means! I thought that grades are what one wants. Anyway, that was not a test she took today. That was just one that she got back today. I'll be glad when she graduates! I have heard her say that it is only two years away. Is that all? I think I will have to figure out how to run without legs for sure if I have to put up with this stuff that much longer! I can't take this!

Ahhh. Back to Normal

Hey there humans and others,

Well, I guess we are not having Cinco de Mayo around here this year. At least we are not having a party that I've heard anything about. It wouldn't be the same without my good friend Andrew anyway. But, hey. Maybe Missy Linda is going to surprise me.

At least it is not all bright and shining this morning. I can not believe how bright the sun really is when I haven't seen it for awhile. We are back to our what seems to be normal cloudy and very dark morning with heavy rain headed our way. So, what else is new? I think even my brain is beginning to mold---or maybe, at least, mildew.

Missy Linda says moldy brain matter is not good during finals week. I think that if the sun were shining, she would say that sunshiny plant-growth-inducing weather is not good for finals week. I think that whatever it is, it clouds her brain (pun intended).

Were You Afraid?

Hello humans and others,

I was very scared this morning, were you? For awhile there, it was so light out that I could not see for the glare! It took me a long time to figure out that it was just the sun shining for a change! Have you had that problem? I see that it is over for now as it is already cloudy and raining here again.

I hope that we can see the sun again soon, though. Even though it causes the plants to give out pollen and things, we still need the sunshine. We will just have to suffer through the flower and tree and grass allergies because sometimes they are no worse than the allergies from the mold and squishy stuff from incessant rain and cloudiness. And besides that, we all need our Vitamin D, right?

Everybody Run! The Crazy Lady's Got a Gun!

Greetings humans and others,

That's not really true. The crazy lady does not have a gun so we should probably count ourselves lucky. I am sure if she did have a gun, we should definitely run on a day like today. That title actually came from a song from the 80s that Missy Linda always liked. It is called, "Everybody Run! The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun!" There was an especially good video that went with the song.

She has already been out blasting the old man squirrel with ice cubes this morning. You remember him, don't you? He won't leave sometimes even if she actually nails him! He is just the squirrel she is ready to tangle with today.

Are you wondering why she is so extra cranky today, or are you just assuming it's a regular day? Well, this week, Missy Linda got an email from the mister who used to live here. In this email he is trying to wiggle out of some of the things that he had agreed to do. She sort of expected him to pull something like this, but she is still so livid she can hardly see straight. When she hasn't had to deal with him for awhile, she gets lulled into a false sense of peace. I hope that she has some extra blood pressure medicine!

When the fury (and I am not exaggerating) is added to the spring weather headache and the timing of finals week, I am thinking that I will just crawl head first into a shopping bag and stay there until all this blows over. I think I prefer that to actually asking Missy Linda to do anything for me. Wish me luck!

Have You Molded Yet?

Glub, glub, glub humans and others,

That is the sound I make when I am trying to breathe under water. How about you? Really, since my lower body is made of Styrofoam, I would somewhat float, even with my terrible injury that forced me to retire. However, my two halves would definitely not stay together as I float down raging flood waters. My top half would probably not stay upright in turbulent water, and I am sure my face would go underwater---at least part of the time! I am just hoping that it stops raining soon, aren't you?

Again, I suppose that it is one of those times that I am not too cranky about staying home. As you can tell by the big gap in my writing this week, I have been a little discombooberated* this week. I guess the thick, saturated air has slowed down my brain function. I suppose I should just be happy that it didn't get any hotter than it did this week or we would probably have moss hanging from the trees. That is just creepy!

*Discombooberate is not in my dictionary, but I was surprised to discover that "discombobulate" is. Anyway, I am sticking with my personal word, discombooberated, because that is what I was!